(The CW) NEW YORK - NEW YORK - Every week, 'Gossip Girl' know-it-all Rachel Seidman-Lockamy will recap the latest episode. All the dirt, all the drama from the privileged kids on the Upper East Side.

We begin with the dejected Humphrey brother, who laments that his 15-year-old sister is now living with Agnes, the model. So, she's not homeless as we suspected. Rufus has decided to play it cool in hopes that she will come back, a stark difference from last week's "arrest her and see if that knocks some sense into her" tactic.

On a side note, how awesome is it that Rufus finds time to cook real meals for his family? I know that's not the point, and you want me to hurry up and get back to the gossip, but fresh vegetables going into some kind of amazing sauce? If Jenny doesn't want to go back home, I'll consider moving in just for the food!

Anyway, Dan's meeting with Shapiro, who I only think of as that weird guy who believes ripping off your friends' most tragic stories makes you a good writer. If you recall, Chuck once confessed a horrible secret to Dan; that he thinks his father hates him because Chuck's mother died delivering the little bundle of joy in 1991. Now, Dan's turned it into a story and, apparently, that's enough to convince Shapiro to write that Yale recommendation for Dan.

Rufus says that he's happy for Dan, but he's really hurting, wishing that his children were making better decisions. In his mind, he's doing the best he can as a dad, but teenagers will be teenagers, and sometimes have that selfish streak that can't be squelched easily.

For Blair, her selfish streak comes out in the form of her big 18th birthday party. She waxes poetic about what it was like being an 8-year-old. She sits at the head of the table, asserting her dominance over the group while Serena spends her time messaging back and forth with her "sexy artist" who is sending her maps all over the city. Blair tries not be jealous, but it's in her nature. Here they are, planning her birthday party, and not only is Serena attention-deficit, she's also the center of the conversation.

However, Blair tries to take it in stride, chatting up about her mother's new boyfriend, Cyrus, who's been her lawyer for ages and finally wore her down enough for a date. But, Serena's phone hums to life again with her map for the day, and she rushes out to follow the clues to her next rendezvous with Creepy Artist Guy.

Meanwhile, Jenny and Agnes sit and talk with a lawyer about their fledgling fashion line. Jenny comes off completely in control and ambitious, but Agnes tries to assert her dominance over the team. Jenny tries to keep it together, but they are, after all, fifteen, and Agnes once again dashes their chances.

Blair and Mommy Waldorf flit around the dining room, trying to make sure everything is perfect for Cyrus' arrival. Blair fantasizes about the joy it will bring her to have a handsome step-daddy while ensuring the roses have their place on the table. "Carey Grant always looked his best with white roses," Blair exclaims, once again expressing her old-fashioned sensibilities.

But when Cyrus arrives, he's hardly the man she expected him to be. The lawyer stands at least one full foot shorter than her mother, and he glows with exuberance and too many hugs. Blair resists the urge to scream.

Chuck, in another desperate attempt to bond with his father, offers his congrats on the 20th anniversary of Bass Industries, and gives his father a gift of hockey. A box for the whole season! It seems like such a touching and considerate gift on behalf of the younger Bass, but his father replies with, "I don't have time for hockey games. You know that." It rips into Chuck who, for once, only had the best intentions.

In what appears to be a shady restaurant, Dan meets with Shapiro and some guy named James Wolf, looking for more information on the Bass family. They decide to bait Dan with the opportunity to write an expose on Father Bass. Funnily enough, the show might be giving Dan an alternative option to writing fiction; writing non-fiction. If he wrote something in the middle, Gossip Girl might hire him.

Serena finds the end of her map and arrives in Time Square to see her face on the big screen, and Aaron by her side. She's smitten. He's still creepy. Then he asks her to be his muse and she, suddenly coquettish, gives in. None of the tourists seem to notice them making out on the big screen.

The next day, Blair freaks over Cyrus. Serena reminds her that she should be the lady she wants to be, like Grace Kelly. Seriously, Blair and I might have the same DVD collection.

Meanwhile, Dan asks Father Bass a billion and one questions under the pretense of getting some insight into Bass Industries. Father Bass rebuffs the idea of Dan shadowing him until the young Humphrey brings up his father's "narrow" world. One can only think how Chuck, who asked for a hockey game once a week with his father, will feel about Dan spending two days a week with him instead.

Jenny rushes to a café to scold Agnes, who went out the night before with old friends. Jenny pleads with Agnes to be professional, and yet, we're reminded again that fifteen-year-old girls aren't exactly known to be even-keeled. While Agnes goes to puke her guts out, Jenny makes a last ditch effort to win over business manager, Mr. Smith.

Somehow, Blair's birthday planning has ended up in the hands of her mother's new boy-toy. He starts critiquing the cost of flowers, and Blair tries to keep her calm while she looses control of her own party. Cyrus mentions Cyndi Lauper, who somehow brings back good memories for Blair and Momma Waldorf, perhaps the only ones they have. But when Mom chooses to go out with Cyrus instead of going to B's party, Blair decides it's time the 'Grace Kelly' gloves came off!

Jenny meets again with Mr. Smith, who is relieved that she's now operating solo. But there's still a catch: she has to get contract papers signed by her parents. That's not gonna be easy given Little J's recent behavior.

Serena meets with Aaron for their private photo shoot. Rather unusually, Serena appears awkward and confused about posing. Aaron has to come over and give some smooches to his "muse" in order to relax her.

Meanwhile, Chuck has returned to his season 1 penchant for reconnaissance. He spies Dan heading into New York Magazine, and begins a background check. Trouble for Lonely Boy ahead.

"How many muses come over in the morning bearing breakfast?" Serena asks as she brings Aaron a coffee. Oh, if only she knew how badly she'd want to take that line back. Another girl shows up; another muse. It stings Serena just a bit when she realizes that she and Aaron aren't as exclusive as they thought, and the new muse steals her coffee, too.

Blair and her mother share an awkward breakfast. Blair had hoped her mom's new man would be more like her father, while Momma Waldorf asserts that's precisely what she loves about Cyrus. He's nothing like Blair's father as he's someone she can trust. Momma Waldorf pushes Blair over the edge with an invite to the salon in preparation for her Cyndi Lauper date, and Blair sloughs off her Grace Kelly shell entirely. Game on, Cyrus.

Dan meets with a guy who's got some scandalous dirt on Father Bass. Bart Bass might be an arsonist. Dan asserts that this info could change his life, and Rufus, in his Jiminy Cricket way, reminds his wayward son that it could also hurt Serena, Lily, and all the rest. Dan acknowledges that but decides he's tired of being Mr. Nice Guy.

Blair invites Cyrus to lunch in an attempt to gather information that might lead to a break-up. She fishes for information, and he admits to falling in love with another woman while married to his first wife. He tells her that he was about to end his marriage due to passion he felt for another woman, when the woman died in an attack on her village.

Meanwhile, Serena calls Aaron to offer a touch of romance, but she finds out he's still "hanging" with his other muse.

Blair is all smiles as she prepares for the party, but Momma Waldorf can see through her daughter's faked innocence. Blair tries to hold it together, but ends up spilling on Cyrus' "cheating." Blair seems almost sincere as she breaks her mother's heart, and for some reason, Momma Waldorf believes her.

A mixed-up phone call to Agnes gives her a heads-up on Jenny's scheming behind her back, and you know trouble is coming.

At the party, the harem wants dish on Serena's boy-toy, and Blair pushes her way onto the couch next to her BFF. The two discuss the failed romance with Aaron, but Serena's not as sure as Blair that it's over.

Agnes, in a fit of rage and desperation, sets fire to all of Jenny's designs, all the things she gave up her family for, all the things she gave up her job for, all the things she destroyed her career for. In one poof of rage and destruction, Agnes destroys it all. Then kicks Jenny out, leaving her homeless.

I don't think I've ever felt worse for Little J. She gave everything up because she thought this girl would be her comrade in arms, would help her take the fashion world by storm. Instead, she turned out to be Brutus, not only turning her back, but also setting all her hard work on fire in a burst of selfishness.

Cyrus reveals to Serena that her Creepy Artist Guy is in fact his son, and that gives her all the motivation she needs to go see him and try to make up. She was already leaning that way. She just needed the push.

Momma Waldorf, for some random reason, decides airing out her boyfriend's dirty laundry in front of her daughter's friends is more than acceptable, and starts digging under his skin about his alleged cheating. Blair watches over her mother's shoulder, taking in the showdown. Again, Blair seems less than thrilled about Cyrus' exit. Instead, she soaks in the distressed look on her mother's face, and the sadness of love lost, yet again. Blair's been down that path a thousand times. It's why she's alone right now, and here she goes again, inflicting that same searing pain on someone else.

Before she has time to digest, though, Cyndi Lauper walks in the door. It appears Cyrus bought out her gig to get her to play Blair's birthday party, instead. A touched Blair rushes out the door to find her mother's boyfriend.

Instead, we find Dan once again pumping Papa Bass for insider information. Bass tells Dan of a death weighing on his conscience, but before Father Bass can say anything else to damage his company and reputation, Chuck swoops in to save the day. Unfortunately, Dan isn't interested in any bribes, and makes for the elevator. Realizing there are no alternatives left, Chuck pleads with Dan not to do it, not to destroy his family.

Meanwhile, Blair finds Cyrus outside, only to realize that he outplayed her at her own game. "I'm a lawyer. I do think a few moves ahead. Some of us can't rely entirely on our looks, you know." Blair can't help but acknowledge how good he is at this game. "You better be good to my mother or I'll be coming for you." It's clear there is a truce in this game of chess. Instead of trying to topple one another swiftly, they'll call a stalemate and resolve to coexist.

"You're not what I had in mind," they tell one another.

In another part of town, we see Dan at the mailbox… which reminds me, whatever happened to Nate's letter to Jenny? What was that all about? From last week? Anyway, he pulls out a story entitled 5.19.91. That wasn't 20 years ago, so I'm guessing it's not about Bass Industries, but it is about a Bass.

Nervously, Bart Bass sits in his posh living room, wondering if it's all about to crash down around him. Instead, he finds an envelope with a note and a story about the most precious thing in his life he's always ignored; his son.

At the art gallery, Serena finds Aaron still with one of his many girlfriends, and he throws the "high school" card at her, obviously proving his maturity level is more in his head than anything else.

Jenny arrives at her father's to play the "Daddy Card," carting her belongings with her, holding out the papers, presented as an olive branch, but it's really her shield to keep her from feeling the deep anguish within herself. Rufus rejects Jenny's offer and this time, it looks like Little J is truly homeless and broken.

Chuck, avoiding most of the drama of the episode, curls up with a book on his bed, losing himself in other worlds. He's had enough of the one around him. Bart notes his son's distance, and finally offers an apology that can in no way make up for the last 17 years. He admits, pain in his voice, that he has trouble being close to his son, not because he hates the child, but because seeing Chuck reminds him of her, his first wife, his first love. "I want to know my son," Bart chokes out, sitting next to Chuck on the bed, the closest we've ever seen the two sit. He offers up the chance to go to the hockey game, the same thing Chuck offered earlier, and while the boy remains cautious, he can't hide the smile in his eyes. Whether or not he meant to, Dan gave Chuck one of the greatest gifts; time with his father.

Rufus updates Dan on the Jenny-drama, and then tries to help his child with the whole conscience thing. Dan counters that Rufus needs to get Jenny back, that he needs to do whatever it takes to make the family whole, again. Little do they know that she's now considering emancipation from the parents who failed her.

Blair and Serena talk about men; Aaron and Cyrus, father and son, in particular. It's then that Blair finds her mother and Cyrus eating together with an announcement; Cyrus is moving in. More drama for B!

Aaron shows up at Serena's, finding her in her slip. He offers her a day in the park, and he talks about how their parents' lives sucked because they had to be proper all the time. He insinuates that if she doesn't agree with free love and multiple girlfriends and boyfriends then she's just like her parents. Right…

So, they run off to frolic in Central Park, Serena still wearing her slip and slippers, of course!

Was it the best episode of the season? Hardly. But, I will admit to tearing up once or twice. Til the next!

xoxo
(The CW).