(The CW) NEW YORK - NEW YORK - Every week, 'Gossip Girl' know-it-all Rachel Seidman-Lockamy will recap the latest episode. All the dirt, all the drama from the privileged kids on the Upper East Side.

It's time for Thanksgiving on the Upper East Side, and Gossip Girl's not taking this holiday off. Instead, she's giving us the juicy tidbits on what's going on with the usual gang.

Still harping about last year's Thanksgiving fiasco, Blair declares this time she'll get the perfect Thanksgiving. Sure, it'll be sans-Dad, but at least she can make her special pie and cling to what little control she has left. Momma Waldorf's new boytoy isn't making things easy for Blair, what with the moving in and all… and the family members with orange lipstick leaving marks on Blair's perfect face.

Serena announces Aaron, also known as the Creepy Artist Guy, also known as Momma Waldorf's bf's son, will be spending T-Day at the Van Der Woodsen/Bass abode. Blair bemoans Serena's insistence on dating a guy dating more than one girl, but Serena says you have to compete to get the prize. I argue some prizes aren't worth the price of competition. Go with B on this one, S; trust me.

Just in time, Lonely Boy shows up to scare B off. As she takes off to parts unknown in search of the perfect Thanksgiving, Dan tries to figure out where his sister scampered off to. Serena has the 411, saying Lil J's been chillin' with E the past week.

Just to include as many people as possible in this one, long scene, Nate shows up, scaring off both Serena and Dan. But who can scare off Nate? How about former BFF Chuck, who tries to reclaim Nate after watching him "slum it" in Brooklyn. Instead of a warm welcome, Nate gives Chuck the cold shoulder. Ouch.

Vanessa and Nate discuss her eventual date with a frozen dinner on T-Day, but he insists she come over and mooch of his family a bit more. She counters that she's in no mood to see Lil J after she stole Nate, V's sorta, kinda, once-upon-a-time prospective boyfriend. Dan assures her Jenny won't be there, so V gives in. Have to say, that felt a little too easy.

Lilly and Bart Bass arrive home a little early from vacay. When the phone rings, Lilly notes that it's "R" calling, and you have to love Lilly for the hip mom she is. With daughter S and son E, it's no wonder she'd put her ex-lover in the phone as "R." Rufus wants to know about Jenny's whereabouts, and Lilly realizes her son spent the past week harboring a fugitive. Might be time for a jailbreak, Lil J. I smell an interrogation in your future.

Nate and his mom chat for what seems like the first time in ages, and find an expected person waiting for them in the form of The Captain. He's cleaned himself up, probably hoping the family won't notice the needle marks in his arm as much if his hair looks properly gelled. The Captain invites Nate and his mom to go on the lam with him, and with all the drama in the UES, Nate thinks it might be a great idea to just disappear.

Lilly and Rufus meet for a heart-to-heart about teenage daughters and their wacky, drunken decisions. Lilly, having already been down this path, tries to calm Rufus down about Jenny. I mean, if you compare the two, Rufus' daughter is the less nutty. Hem lines and taffeta hardly measure up to snorting cocaine and drunken Thanksgivings.

Speaking of things to be thankful for, how much more could I love Blair and Serena? Serena can't help but feel insecure about Aaron playing nice with all the girls in the sandbox, and Blair's refusing to let the other kids play with her toys.

After a short convo with his step-dad, E starts to wonder how much dirt Bart has on him. A quick trip to Chuck's room reveals Papa Bass has a penchant for perusing dark secrets, and Chuck can bet there's something in the old family vault. The boys make a brotherly pact to seek their fortune, but something tells me this pirate expedition won't turn up any gold bars.

Meanwhile, S and Aaron, no longer engaging in public grope-fests, share a quiet meal together where he declares that not only is he a recovering player, but also on the wagon. S lies, desperate to hold onto Aaron now that he wants to be exclusive. But we all know what happens when a Van Der Woodsen lies. Those secrets don't stay buried forever.

Momma Waldorf's boytoy once more shatters Blair's attempts to hold onto tradition when he not only eats her precious pie, but also criticizes the ingredients. However, she's learned better than to try to scheme against Cyrus, and instead turns into a whining four-year-old. Things only get worse when Dorota lets B in on a secret Momma Waldorf is keeping from her; this moving in thing is only the tip of the iceberg. B's going to get that step-daddy she wished for, just not the kind she expected. Be careful what you wish for, B.

During a shopping trip for last-minute T-Day goodies, Dan and Rufus run into Serena's Creepy Artist Guy, and Dan lets slip something about the vile and evil Georgina. A tries to let it slide, but Dan can tell Serena's not telling the whole truth. Not the best way to start a relationship, S.

Back at the Waldorf household, Blair tries to force her mother to admit to the engagement, but when that fails, she kidnaps Dorota for a Thanksgiving Day filled with punishing themselves for being alive. It's another classic example of Blair acting out after her mother kept something from her. To be lumped in with everyone else? It's one thing to put out the bad china. It's another entirely to not tell your daughter about your upcoming nuptials!

Aaron shows up at Serena's place for T-Day, still shaken by what Dan said earlier. Serena tries to shake it off and Chuck, who she swore to secrecy, stays out of the way while S tries to mend the damage Lonely Boy inflicted on them.

After a chat with Jenny, Lilly stumbles upon the emancipation papers and calls Rufus for a talk. Like the good little daddy he is, he drops everything, including Vanessa, to rush to find out what is up with his daughter.

Back in the world of real problems, the FBI has come looking for Nate, so C and V have to step up and try to convince Nate that the Captain does not have their best interests at heart. Turns out the Captain plans to blackmail Nate's grandparents by holding the teen and his mother hostage. The options? Go through with the plan, or turn his dad in. Ouch.

While Nate debates his family's future, Eric digs further into his family's past via the vault Chuck showed him earlier. Using the combination of Chuck's mother's birthday, E not only found gold bars and cool gadgets, but thick dossiers on all the Van Der Woodsens.

Dorota and Blair wander the streets of New York as Dorota's cell phone blares "Slave 4 U." It's Blair's mother calling, and since Blair refuses to let Dorota answer, the wonderful woman recommends feeding the ducks. It's hard for Blair to resist a touch of normalcy and nostalgia, so she gives in to feeding the ducks, but only if they refuse to have fun.

Rufus shows up at the Van Der Woodsen/Bass house, and while Bart is none-too-happy to see him, Papa Bass attempts to be nice to Dan. After all, the teen did help save his relationship with his son. Kinda owe Lonely Boy there, Bart. Slave for life, perhaps?

Rufus finally finds his daughter, and the teenager stays in her little bubble, not even thanking him for signing the emancipation papers. Looks like she's prepared to kiss teen-dom goodbye for good.

Serena finally owns up to lying to Aaron about her past, just in time for it to walk in the door in the form of a nice dossier in Eric's arms. Looks like Bass picked a fight with three Van Der Woodsens, and the odds are not in his favor.

Rufus and Jenny finally get to talk, and Rufus tells her he won't stand in her way when it comes time to go to court. When he tells his daughter how much he loves her, Lil J shrugs it off and boards the elevator out of the Van Der Woodsen/Bass place faster than Rufus can react.

Moments later, Lilly, Eric and Serena march down the stairs to find an irate Bart waiting for them, but they'll have none of what Papa Bass had to say because Lilly is outraged he'd do background checks on her kids. He claims he was looking out for them, but Lilly has trouble seeing him as family after this little stunt.

Across town, Nate goes to talk to his dad about the whole "ransom" thing, which Nate's mom seems oblivious to. The Captain claims that it is the only way, but somehow, Nate convinces his dad it's time to man up and let the cops take him. They do as Nate's mom clings to her son as she watches the FBI take the Captain away.

At a diner, Lilly and Eric share a traditional Thanksgiving meal in an empty building. They talk across the table about the dossiers, and Eric can't believe his mom never told him she was in an institution like he was. He doesn't ask the reason, and only offers to listen when she's ready to talk. Lilly, as amazed as everyone else is at his maturity, asks how he got so wise. "The Nanny," he replied. Lilly smiles, but it's tragic to know her brightest boy was raised while she was out partying.

When S drops by to literally hand her dirty laundry to A for his reading pleasure, Momma Waldorf begs her to locate B who is MIA. A quick text later, and Momma Waldorf pops in a cab to retrieve her wayward daughter.

B runs into Lil J bawling her eyes out on the street, and asserts that Rufus adores his daughter and would do anything for her. Lil J counters that Momma Waldorf loves B in her own way, and the two girls, while at an impasse, help each other. When Momma Waldorf arrives in a cab, she throws a shawl around the freezing Jenny, and Blair agrees to go home only if Jenny does, too. You could say it's malicious and mean, but I think it's that conscience Blair got for her birthday last week. Some gifts just keep giving.

With the drama tamed, and the Captain in jail, it appears the freeze on the Archibalds' accounts is lifted and they can go back to living a real life. Is it minus one very important person? Yes, but that was his choice. Chuck and Vanessa show up and V wimps out about admitting her feelings, but Nate, who hasn't talked to Jenny in weeks, figures it's time to move on. What a player.

Chuck decides he and Nate don't need a good cry. Now that they're friends again, what they need is to get drunk in the limo, UES style.

As they cavort, B arrives home to find her Daddy bearing a pie. The glow on her face and the joy in her heart forces her to accept that there might be some new traditions in her life. Not to mention, she accidentally announces her mother's engagement, and the funny thing is, she seems to have cooled about it. Her family may be getting bigger and stranger, but the core pieces remain. Now that you're sharing with the other kids in the sandbox, don't forget to play nice, B.

Aaron finds Serena in her room and tells him he wants to know her, but not by reading about it in a creepy dossier. He wants her to tell him about who she is and where she's been, and he's prepared not to judge.

Back at the loft, Rufus and Dan arrive home to find Jenny, sans makeup, back as their little girl. She tears up the emancipation papers, declaring that she doesn't want to stop being her father's little girl. Looks like Lil J's rotten streak has come to an end.

The Van Der Woodsens and Vanessa show up for T-Day, and everyone pitches in, joining in on the fun. Things seem completely wonderful and peaceful, and even V states that boyfriends should not come between friendships. Of course, it wouldn't be gossip if there weren't some morsel of naughtiness out there while everyone else is playing nice.

V finds a note Nate wrote to Lil J professing his feelings. She knows the two haven't talked in weeks, but she's not telling, and she's not letting Lil J see that note. Looks like an all-out war between Nate's lady loves is on the horizon. Can you handle the heat?

(The CW).